|b l o g|
I'll estimate that in the past two months I've gotten twenty calls from this number, belonging to some one-percenter group of crack-licking telemarketers in the Tampa area. I understand this must be because my number is online, for the convenience of friends & publishers. I'd tell the good folks of Nameless Co. to stop calling, but in nineteen of the instances the caller was a machine or I didn't pick up (and I don't now, of course), &, the one time the caller was a desperate woman, I was going to have a proper dinner & I brushed her off with the usual excuses & threats ('I don't need free gas coupons'; 'Sorry, I'm bound & gagged right now'; 'I'll kill your entire family'). When, filled with l'esprit d'escalier, I call back to tell them 'what's up,' I get an unresponsive recording offering me a foolish chance to be taken off their list of prospective lucky folks given the opportunity of taking advantage of 'many cost-saving programs.' Just enter your number, Erik. Unfortunately, my phone number, successful recipient of a score of unwanted, undue, unloved, unmanned, unethical, unearthly spam calls, is an 'INVALID ENTRY.' (Oh, & yes, I do know the trick: enter your invalid number at least three times & it is finally acknowledged, & you'll be off the list 'within the next twenty-four hours.' Except this doesn't work. IT IS SIMPLY ANOTHER BLOODY LIE.) In text, with some substitutions, this is an example of what goes through my head in such moments:
727 471 0405
1 727 471 0405
1 (727) 471-0405
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Lambsblood, shithate, horrortwat, mungfuck, double cunt, rotted pustulence of all the syphilitic, mongoloid forefathers of Tampa Bay, O venom! Holy God above, do something glorious & awful!
I'm hoping that my listing in the National Do Not Call Registry will do something about this.