|b l o g|
Over the last several months, I have, in odd moments, and in secret, encouraged a random name generator (why not?) to provide me with names for my yet-to-be-conceived sons, or for alternate versions of myself.
Forename, three middle names, surname. My marrow tells me that five-name names hold the greatest potential energy.
I estimate that I have looked at more than four thousand names.
I have consistently instructed the generator to work with names from four appropriate languages: English, Scots, Latin, and, because of the choices of one ancestor (believers in free will, heed), Manx. (Not for nothing do I now remember the proverb 'Turd in the stew, pleasures new.') Sometimes the generator, against my commands, obviously departed from these languages and toyed with others, the son of a fuck, vulgar program that he is. But which? Basque? Afrikaans? Lithuanian? Months of battle! Bags o' panic! The generator is the greatest foe (aside from myself, my darling) I have ever known.
I offer here (below) the brute's fifteen best 'predictions.' My progeny's names most poetical and failings most grave are unmistakably charactered: call them Effetenesss, Inertia, and Dissipation. Always the same, pissed or at peace. The most satisfying variants will have a ghastly clang and the most diabolical assonances. Number eight, a rule-breaker, was, I promise you, a freak occurrence. Number ten is, somehow, (one or) two complete sentences. Et cetera. Each of these men is, in his way, already famous. Please understand when I say: Fuck you, my sons and selves. I need you.
And years hence the conversation:
'Father, why did you and Mother name me like a tit?'
'We thought it would be funny.'
* * *
Match names to tricks and win a birdbath! (Write for details.)
1. Lonny Royce Nerva Dand Kennedy
2. Ora Cornelius Ronnie Bastard Kennedy
3. Murray Fox Festus Hawkins Kennedy
4. Evelyn Alison Phoenix Kim Kennedy
5. Wilf Philip Peregrine Nedrick Kennedy
6. Clement Pius John Innocent Kennedy
7. Eanraig Frang Marly Wally Kennedy
8. Dick Newton Alex Ander Graham Kennedy
9. Ximun Hat Ira Beacon Kennedy
10. Cuthbert Rex Jamaar Dug Kennedy
11. Christmas Chip Dion Drogo Kennedy
12. Sacheverell Roderic Spencer Montague Kennedy
13. Attila Eustace Wanda Gore Kennedy
14. Jerrold Wat Flourish Tyler Kennedy
15. Prince Helton Shelton Kenneth Kennedy
(a) popes; (b) words not intended to be names; (c) Arkansas; (d) innovators in food science; (e) ladies; (f) complete sentence(s); (g) landed gentry; (h) identical adjacent diphones; (i) enjoys being dominated; (j) Jack London; (k) boxed software; (l) the Peasants' Revolt; (m) early Grand Prix entrant; (n) butcher with a grudge against a respectable Ayrshire family; (o) bastard
1. (i); 2. (o); 3. (c); 4. (e); 5. (h); 6. (a); 7. (j); 8. (d); 9. (b); 10. (f); 11. (k); 12. (g); 13. (n); 14. (l); 15. (m)