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New Local Public-Access Television Death Programming Round-Up 

Noose, Knife, or Fall?
A reality show presenting ordinary people faced, suddenly and physically, with a trilemma: hanging oneself from a fifth-story fire-escape, holding a dagger, does one 1) hang, 2) stab, or 3) saw?

Sodden Death
A game show, similar in concept to Celebrity Suicide, featuring well-known people, requiring of its contestants excessive, beyond-reason forced-drinking of fluids, including juices, alcohol, and Toilet Duck. The last person to die wins $1,000.

A profile series on the prison beverage, its manufacture, famous drinkers, pruno humour, records, and the drink's possible health benefits.

House and Home
A cheery, vacuous pair of presenters knock on doors and volunteer to eat everything in the occupants' refrigerators. Everything.

Extreme Makeover: Internal Edition
Big-hearted surgeons get seven days to make whimpering families' dreams come true.

Hanged for a Sheep
Two competitive friends (a duo like Ed and Spencer, for instance) put to the test the old saw that says it's just as well to be picked up for a major offence as for a minor one. They travel the country, each racing to get a death sentence first. (Pilot only.)

The Age of Consent
In this game show for the 40–65 demographic, contestants (male) are introduced to pretty, young things. They are told their ages and nationalities. The contestants must guess if the laws of the girls' countries permit sexual congress between them. A correct answer wins the prize, if available. An incorrect answer results in the contestant being remanded to 'the joint,' where the studio audience can throw pointy things at him for ten to fifteen years.

What the stars mean:
* Exists
** Nice
*** Spiff
**** Worth killing yourself during


I've been thinking these through for weeks. 

the Sacred Band of Thebes vs. the Great Cat Massacre
Captain Pugwash vs. Sir Felix Booth
a holiday on Lake Erie vs. the Paralympics
Different Virgins vs. Divisionism
being a twat to one's parents vs. pouring a bottle of liquor over a stranger's head
exogamy vs. being born
speeding in the toilet vs. murder (on a technicality)
catenaccio vs. the Drive to the Siegfried Line
Ogilby's duiker vs. Welsh Communism
women named Fiona vs. the Slough of Despair
Subway's new Super Stuffed sandwiches vs. Heliogabalus's bull
sex with a stripper vs. some other thing
Catford vs. Romford
a full breakfast vs. rapture of the deep
a Belisha beacon vs. Biffa Bacon
The Authorities vs. Antietam
piss in a bottle vs. Chris Waddle
sodomy vs. tattooing
Jack Pierce vs. Community Chest
a Dalek vs. never being loved
a case of cooking sherry vs. being manacled to a chimpanzee
one enormous testicle vs. thirty tiny testicles
bad publicity vs. graduate school
a pay reduction vs. being thick as pigshit
elevenses vs. instant death


It's good. A small dog with five eyes and an arse of London. What's not to like about that? 

Now I get it. One and two.

Erik Kennedy
Erik Kennedy


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