b l o g


Every Hangover Is a Whodunnit 

The setting: the cave of wonders
The persons: Amy & I & two folks
The genre: horror

An evening at the bar. An open table having been spotted, I sit down. Our drinks join me. Amy is about to sit down. CLEARLY. A fellow comes up & asks if anyone is sitting in one of the other two chairs at the table. Amy sits. Thinking the fellow wants to take the chair somewhere else, as a reasonable person might, I say no. Have it, friend. He & a ladyfriend then proceed to SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH US. Let it be noted that these are grim-visaged strangers, as at-home in a bar as bats in a tanning-booth. Amy & I circle the wagons hoping that they will GET THE MESSAGE. But no, no. THEY DO NOT LEAVE. It turns out that this fellow is The Grapefruit Juice Guy.



It's one of those rare times when I'm really glad not to be at Harvard. (And, from that letter I got, I think the feeling is mutual.) A 'toxic atmosphere,' eh. Then again, given that after the meeting in the 'hot seat' yesterday, 'Summers was accompanied back to his office by Elisa New, an English professor [of American poetry] and his long-term girlfriend,' it might not be that bad. Then again, it might be very, very bad. Then again, I don't care for 'Theology and Innovation in American Poetry.' And again, I don't care for 'sailers [sic] in the air, weavers of disparate things together.' And again, further, I have a girlfriend.


You May Now Stop Reading, If You'd Like 

It's that time again. As if it wasn't bad enough to have been told recently that NASCAR is better than Formula 1 because it's 'more dangerous' (ask my father about how much fun 'dangerous' racing is), I woke up this morning to a dream about a wild motor-racing accident. The last time I had a vivid accident dream, I was horrified to learn that Tony Renna had been killed in IRL testing at Indianapolis that morning. Of course, after Takuma Sato's huge crash yesterday at Jerez, it was odd to dream about a Williams flying through the barriers at what must have been the inaugural Tokelau Grand Prix. (Pleasantly enough, I only dream about tropical Grands Prix.) Now I find that Sato had ANOTHER accident today. And no obvious mechanical problem. I can only assume that my will is actually, as I thought, virtually almighty, or that BAR are throwing some seriously drunken machinery into the fray next month.



Fun with the United States Patent and Trademark Office site.

United States Patent D465,636
Cereal bar having a cereal flake included thereon
The ornamental design for a cereal bar having a cereal flake included thereon, as shown.

United States Patent 6,776,991
Methods for treating priapism
A method for treating priapism in a mammal by administration of a botulinum toxin.

United States Patent 6,159,529
Method for enhancing the salty-taste and/or delicious-taste of food products
A method for enhancing the salty-taste and/or delicious-taste of food products and materials thereof, containing sodium chloride, by using trehalose without imparting any unsatisfactory taste and flavor. The content of trehalose to be incorporated is usually in the range of about 1.5-12% to the food products and materials thereof, on a dry solid basis. The method can reduce the content of sodium chloride used in conventional salty food products without losing their satisfactory salty-taste.

United States Patent D409,428
Ornamental child's pillow in the fanciful form of a skunk
The ornamental design for an ornamental child's pillow in the fanciful form of a skunk, as shown and described.

United States Patent D464,498
Death care merchandise display unit
The ornamental design for a death care merchandise display unit, as shown and described.

United States Patent 6,609,945
Radio-controlled toy blimp with infrared beam weapons for staging a gun battle
The remote-controlled air, land or water borne toy vehicle comprises: a body; a printed circuit board mounted in or to the body; a receiver connected to the printed circuit board for receiving commands; hardware on the printed circuit board including control circuitry for manipulating the toy vehicle in response to commands received by the receiver; and a motor drive mechanism mounted on or to the toy vehicle for moving or propelling the toy vehicle in response to control signals from the control circuitry. Preferably at least one of several infrared emitting simulated weapons are mounted on the toy vehicle and are selected from the group including a machine gun, a cannon and a missile.

United States Patent 4,204,501
Anti-lick ring for automatic drinking troughs for animals
An anti-lick ring for an animal drinking trough which is held inside the trough by spaced connecting devices.

United States Patent D501,280
Set of decorative ponytails for a bicycle helmet
The ornamental design for a set of decorative ponytails for a bicycle helmet, as shown and described.

United States Patent 6,007,404
Jesus doll for teaching children
A soft-bodied doll bearing a resemblance to a caricature of Jesus. The doll includes a voice simulator which preferably has recorded thereon phrases from Jesus' actual ministry as recorded in God's word, the Bible. A responsible adult can use the Jesus doll to teach young children about Jesus' historic life, His ministry, His teachings and His love for His children. Alternatively, the voice simulator can have recorded thereon simpler phrases which reflect Jesus' character and love for His children. The doll includes an actuator for the voice simulator contained within a body portion of said doll which may be manually activated to speak one or more of these phrases. In one embodiment, both sets of phrases are included in the doll on separate voice simulators with a switch permitting the supervising adult to transition the doll from use with a young child to one who is capable of understanding Jesus' actual teachings when the child's vocabulary and mental faculties dictate.

United States Patent 5,919,079
Play sword lollipop holder
A play sword lollipop holding device for entertaining children. The device comprises a plastic handle which is the main housing with one or more plastic telescoping sleeves attached to the handle. The last sleeve, which is the smallest, has an aperture at the end to hold a lollipop on a stick. A child can enjoy playing and eating his/her play sword lollipop with the flick of their wrist. This action causes the telescoping sleeves and candy to extend outward from the handle making a sword to play with. When not in use, the telescoping sleeves collapse one into the other for easy carrying and storage.

United States Patent D444,188
Grandmother love doll
The ornamental design for a grandmother love doll, as shown.

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Fun with text.

Last year a server at a Sizzler steakhouse in Norco, Calif., was arrested after a fight with Atkins-dieting customers over whether vegetables could be substituted for potatoes. Participants in online food industry forums reacted with understanding, though the consensus was that Jonathan Voeltner, the server, had gone too far in following the customers and covering their house with maple syrup, flour and instant mashed potatoes.

Just when it seemed as if the real estate market couldn't get any barmier, it has. With inventories lagging behind demand and prices for new homes rising seemingly by the hour in destination cities like New York and second-home markets like Miami and Orlando, home buyers are camping out overnight in front of sales offices, pestering brokers and developers and scooping up multiple units in the real estate version of scalping. 'People get excited and get caught up in it,' said Joel Lazar, a Transeastern vice president. 'Even if they weren't planning on buying a home, they convince themselves to buy a home.' John Vogel, real estate professor at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth College, said the sales hysteria has troubling parallels. 'We've now moved past the stage of people saying we've got to get in before it's too late,' said Mr. Vogel. 'Now we're at the speculator stage.'

I spit upon this dreadful banker's grave
who shot his heart out in a Florida dawn
O ho alas alas


Afghanistan Webmaster 

(N.b. the material for the following post was gleaned by word of mouth. No porn was watched during the making of this post.) 'It is a phenomenon that has perplexed me for some time. Every so often, I'll come upon a photo gallery that will not display the expected pictures but instead bristles with dummy thumbnails & pictures bearing the inscrutable legend: Afghanistan Webmaster Has Stolen My Pics! For instance. At the time of this writing, neither Google nor Yahoo offer answers to the essential questions (not even a SINGLE RELEVANT HIT): who, who on earth, is Afghanistan Webmaster? if he exists, even as a handle (it's just not possible), how can he be so anonymous, invisible to search engines? how can said Afghanistan Webmaster STEAL pictures, distinct from merely DUPLICATING pictures? why is this the subject of an alert? what is the danger in clicking the links? there aren't even links! if this is all god-affronting malarky, what's the point? This is Information Society, friends! He now exists. I want Afghanistan Webmaster to be the new Mahir.'


God, I Don't Want This to Become a Princeton Blog 

It's the most exciting borough improvement since the introduction of the portable flashing 'Yeild' sign: Landau [no fucking link] is now selling 'Ladie's hats' at cut rates! And I have a 9 a.m. class. God, I would blow up this town.


(But I Actually Did Finish Another Paper) 

I won't pretend that I've been doing things other than reading the NYT Dining & Real Estate sections. (Alain Ducasse plunges to three stars! Shittiest $300 restaurant in New York!) The gem of gems in Real Estate: Ivy League getaways. An un-ironic usage of 'getaway!' A slightly toffish article, possibly. Listings of ever-so-common apartments near the eight schools with the notable exception of Columbia. (I suppose they would direct hungry readers here.) The Princeton listing isn't too bad on paper at $265,000 for 2 bedrooms, but a glance at the map shows that the 'half-mile' trip to 'downtown' (!) Princeton is sheer fantasy, & that this pied-a-terre (I assume that's what the editors consider it) is, in fact, a stupid condo in a stupid place. How do the others look? Readers from other Ivies, report!

Erik Kennedy
Erik Kennedy


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